IF CUTE COULD KILL

What would happen if we tried to create the cutest pet possible? Would there be any room for other pets? Could we create a pet that was too cute? What would happen if the genetic engineering went wrong? And what if this disaster was broadcast to millions of people around the globe watching the carnage ensure? 

Tune in to the Galaxy’s Cutest Pet.

THE STORY

2068 saw the premier of one of the most popular shows of all time: The Galaxy’s Cutest Pet. The premise is simple. The show brings together breeders and scientists in a competition to have their creation crowned the Galaxy’s Cutest by a panel of celebrity judges and the audiences at home. It was a smash hit, but ratings were only the beginning. The money really started to roll in when Progrès, the French cosmetics and pharma giant that ran the show, began to mass produce the winning pet and sell it to the public. 

The show continued to be a powerhouse and moneymaker for Progrès getting to the point where cities would put in bids to host the new season, much like the Olympics. Increasingly irrelevant on the global stage but still flush with old money and deep vanity, European cities would usually end up as the highest bidders. Things went swimmingly for 12 seasons until that season’s winner, a bird named Adorable-Bon, proved to be the worst pet imaginable. Prone to choking, explosive diarrhea, and violent tendencies, they had to be rounded up and destroyed. This failure meant that Progrés had to take bigger swings to recoup their earnings and their image. In Season 16 the rules were changed to allow the pets to be able to chemically influence the judges. 

Disaster ensued that led not only to end of the show, but to the complete destruction of the city-state of Monaco.

What is it about?

Humans have been breeding animals for millenia to try and make the perfect pet. Oftentimes, completely disregarding what is in the best interest of the animal itself. From pugs to Scottish fold cats, animals around the world have been designed not for function but for cuteness. The Galaxy’s Cutest Pet presents the logical next step of this trend in a world where genetic engineering is possible. It’s colourful, it’s funny, but it also presents a warning about the dangers of playing God and the downsides of excessive vanity.  

MEET PAST WINNERS

For all of it’s problems, Galaxy’s Cutest Pet did in fact bring to life some undeniably adorable creatures.

Here are some of the most notable winners of the show.

Kawaī-Amai

The very first winner of Galaxy’s Cutest Pet, Kawaī-Amai answered the age-old question: what if you could have a dog that was also a cat? A cross-breed between a Siamese and a Corgi that took the best elements of each animal and combined into one adorable package. Kawaī-Amai was an immediate best-seller and is still considered to be amongst the best pets the show has seen given its simple concept and great execution.

Lady Charm

Season 2’s winner was definitely one of the show’s most gimmicky. Stemming from a Munchkin cat infused with reindeer DNA to give it (purely ornamental) antlers, Lady Charm had a selling point the other pets simply couldn’t match. You see, the developers behind Lady Charm claimed they were able to pinpoint the so-called “luck gene” in the genome and were able to breed a pet that would be lucky and therefore bring its owner luck. This claim was scientifically dubious and debunked by many experts, but that didn’t stop Lady Charm from winning. However it is possible that she won because of her cuteness instead of the “luck gene” as there is nothing dubious about how adorable she is.

Maks Sot

The show’s third season saw its first non-mammal winner in the form of Maks Sot: a reptilian creature featuring a plethora of DNA signatures, primarily from newt and tuatara. The backstory of the Maks Sot is much different than that of other winners. It was initially bred not to be a pet, but to be an irresistible bait to be used for fishing. When the developers saw what they were breeding though, they realized that what they created was far too cute to use for this purpose and took it Galaxy’s Cutest Pet instead. It remains the only cold-blooded winner of the show and it’s smallest winner as well. 

Mr. Cuddles

A mix of sloth and harp seal, Mr. Cuddles was an immediate hit and at one time held the title of highest-selling pet. Mr. Cuddles was bred specifically for… well… cuddling. It’s fur was always plush and soft no matter its conditions, it was easy to hold and could withstand heavy squeezing, and most importantly it wanted nothing more than to snuggle up to its owner. This helped it win the show, but was also its downfall. Mr. Cuddles sales dropped precipitously when owners discovered that having a pet that wanted nothing more to be cuddled 24/7 could actually be kind of annoying. It’s high maintenance nature led to the establishment of care facilities to take in ones that had been abandoned by their owners.

Adorable-Bon

The season 12 winner was the first avian creature to win the title and shattered sales records upon its release.  And how could it not? Adorable-Bon was able to tell you it loved you in sixteen languages and was the size of a Shetland pony making it perfect for riding. The only problem was that Adorable-Bon was a nightmare of a pet. It’s extremely long neck meant it often choked to death on simple meals. If it survived eating, the bird’s digestive system was so delicate that anything but Galaxy's Cutest Pet-brand seed-packs would give it explosive diarrhea. 

Most concerning was that the bird developed a dangerous mean streak in its third year of life. The predatory instincts of the bird that had been so deeply buried came to the fore. This led to violence against children, other pets, reflective surfaces, and any other thing it may have perceived as a threat. Nicknamed Junk-birds by the tabloids, the Adorable-Bons were rounded up and destroyed, but not before deeply damaging the Galaxy’s Cutest Pet brand and dealing a massive financial hit to Progrès.

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